Janice Coy

My husband and I have been fostering for 16 years now. My life is very different to the one I led before fostering; it is so much better and has changed me in every way.

I had a busy career in the city but decided to care for my son full time when he was born. When he started school, I decided to return to work but wanted to do something that would allow me to be home for him.

I’d always wanted to do something with children, but I wasn’t quite sure what that would look like, perhaps child minding or working in a nursery. It was an Essex County Council campaign that gave me the idea of fostering and turned that idea of working with children in the back of my head into a heartfelt decision. Fostering fitted just perfectly.

In the beginning we took on respite, emergency, and short-term placements.

Sometimes when a child moves on, whether it’s for reunification, adoption or to a long term placement, you can feel that you haven’t made a real difference or that the child hasn’t been able to build an attachment. 

There was one girl though who we didn’t feel had formed any real attachment with us. After she had left, I found a post-it-note on my pillow that said, "Thank you for loving me and teaching me how to do things".

That was such a WOW moment for us and just reinforced that you have a real opportunity to make an impact on a child's life, no matter how small you feel it is.

Three years ago, we decided to offer a long-term placement to enable us to give more stability and consistency whilst offering a sense of safety and belonging which they may never have experienced before.

We have had a 13-year-old boy in our care since then.

Over the years we’ve done a whole raft of training to support us as foster carers and enable us to better understand and help the children we care for.

In recent years we have focused on therapeutic training which is invaluable when looking after children who come from a background of prolonged trauma, who may never have had stability, structure or consistency before.

With all the support, training and learning about neuroscience, post-traumatic stress and resilience building we have begun to see how we can not only care for him but repair that trauma he has been through too.

It is so rewarding to see a child grow in confidence. To go from being so shy, compliant, withdrawn and fearful of asking for anything, even a glass of water, as they were scared of what the reaction might be, to chatting about things and not afraid to ask questions.

Knowing about their background gives me an insight into why they may behave in a certain way and how to patiently work on building their confidence and trust in us. We have learnt to set boundaries, that are not seen as threatening by openly discussing the reasons behind them, and calmly explain why the answer to a request might be ‘No’.

This all helps them to build their trust in us.

I would have to say that a willingness to learn and take on board different ways of working is key to successfully helping these children overcome their trauma and be able to move onto a positive future. Incorporating trauma informed therapeutic training into everyday life is key to this.

Where I would normally react instantly with ‘What did you do that for?!’ I instead pause and ask, ‘I wonder why you did that?’ I’m much more mindful of my words and think about how my response may trigger a negative reaction.

Fostering isn’t all hugs and smiles - it can be incredibly challenging. But that certainly makes it more rewarding. 

You don’t need to be special to foster. But it does makes you feel special.

Find out more by visiting www.essexadoptionandfostering.co.uk/fostering. Or call our friendly team on: 0800 801 530.