Alison and Debbie's blog
Fostering really has been the best decision we ever made as a couple and it’s totally changed our lives together for the better.
As well as being the best decision, it was also one of the easiest. Neither of us had children of our own by the time we met, but we have always had nieces and nephews visit us - we just loved having young people around so becoming a foster parent felt like a natural move.
We currently have two brothers, aged 12 and 9, who have been staying with us for two years. Both have sadly experienced a lot of trauma and loss in their lives, but thankfully they trust us enough to talk to us, which makes it easier to support them.
The eldest lost out on a large part of his childhood as he would routinely have to look after his younger brother. He would go to the shops to buy food, cook them dinner and make sure his little brother was ready for school. He really did take on the role of mother and father at such a young age.
Not knowing where their next meal was coming from has really impacted on their relationship with food, in terms of how quickly and what they would eat. We have had to work with them both to reassure them that they won’t go hungry, and ensure that they have a healthy, balanced diet, and slow down when eating.
In addition, the eldest boy has additional learning needs so likes to know what meals we are having a few days in advance. As he likes having that routine, we have adapted to his needs and have learnt to write a menu on a board for him.
This hard work is worth it though as its extremely rewarding when you see them eating at a regular pace and learning to use a knife and fork properly. They may seem like little improvements for most, but it is a huge achievement for us.
We’ve learned that it’s important to reach out for such support if we need it - for both the children and for us – and the support available from Essex County Council is just fantastic! We have a brilliant relationship with our supervising social worker. The psychologists and mental health co-ordinators are so supportive too.
There have been times with some children we have fostered where we may have struggled with a certain behaviour, but support and advice has been offered in a flash.
That support provided is integral to success as life won’t always be rosy. It’s inevitable that there will be challenging times when you’re fostering children who have suffered trauma in their lives, but there is always someone you can reach out to.
After six years of fostering, we have come to realise that our foster children don’t want expensive toys or grand gestures – it’s the small and simple things in life that they want and need.
Like taking them to the beach for the first time, teaching them to ride a bike, celebrating their achievements at school, eating in a restaurant, and taking them to the amusement park – all firsts for the young boys we care for. Spending quality time with them is key to their development.
Fostering isn’t about ‘saving' a young person – it's about helping a young person recover from their past traumas and be the best they can be through stability, consistency, and love. All the things a child deserves from a parent. We give them that - whether it’s for a few months or many years.
By providing that parental, nurturing therapeutic support for them they can focus on being a child again and not on all the other anxieties in life, such as where their next meal is coming from.
We believe that by fostering these boys it will make a huge difference to their life chances. They now have the opportunity to grow up with us and reach adulthood in a trauma free, stable and loving home. They will hopefully develop the self-confidence, ability, and life skills they will need to become the successful adults they deserve to be.
Whether you’re a single parent, heterosexual couple, or same sex couple, if you’ve got love, patience, and commitment to help a young person, then do it, because there are so many young people that need it. The difference you can make to a young person, just by treating them as part of your family, is huge.
And that’s very much how we see our foster children – a part of our family. There is no greater reward than seeing them develop into happy young people who are enjoying their childhood!